I spent hours of my day yesterday cleaning out my inbox. I deleted over 8,572 emails from as far back as 2019.
Without realizing it, I worked forward up to March of this year. Before I knew it I was looking at subject lines for emails from the week, and then the day Cole died. And then the day of his funeral. And then the day I ordered a grief journal for his mom and me.
I realized, looking back six months on the death of a young man I cared for so greatly, I wasn’t sure at the time if I’d still be here.
This is not me telling you I was suicidal. It wasn’t that.
I just very literally had never physically felt worse.
I had never emotionally felt anything even approaching that level of devastation.
The idea my body could bare it seemed improbable to me.
The ache in my chest and back would surely suffocate me.
But here I am. Alive.
I see a personal trainer for an hour a week. Go to yoga three times a week. Have gotten several full-body massages. All in an attempt to keep the physical pain of his loss away. To keep my body from knotting in on itself, like it did this spring and early summer.
When he died, I wondered if it would be like the worst-case-scenario of The Body Keeps The Score, like my long-sick body that struggles to digest food would finally throw in the towel and stop producing cells properly. Like the long family history of cancer would finally come for me, on the wings of sweltering grief.
But here I am, reeling after a year that has swept by me.
Thing to Read
I have struggled to remember much of anything this year. It has made me feel crazy, but here are some things I’ve been trying to digest:
The Body Keeps The Score which is VERY a book that you have to ask: do I have the energy to process this? But needed.
Let’s also do a work of fiction— a wee bit easier to digest.
Annihilation, something I’m sure I’ve recommended in this newsletter before.
Deep, dark, and twisted. As much about meandering through your own pain as it is about dealing with unexplained biological matter. Grief is personified in many ways in this book. One of my all-time favorite novels.
Thing to Watch
I have been watching See on Apple TV, set 7 generations in the future. Many themes of loss weave together to produce something watchable, but interesting.
It can be a little formulaic, but the world-building is well done and engaging. Also, I am so invested in the costuming.
No Criterion Collection rec this week. I haven’t had the mental capacity for Cinema.
Thing to Wear
I love clothes so much. There truly is so much power in putting on something nice and walking around in it.
I have one of these Banana Republic silk tank tops in black, from Cole’s funeral, that I have worn the hell out of. The textile feels so good, and is easy to just toss on with anything. They’re currently on sale!
Thing to Gift
Crocs. Get them crocs.
They don’t want crocs? They don’t know. Show them. help them. Guide them.
They’re having end of season sales! Also, if you have felt too good for Jibbitz, give in and let yourself enjoy the frivolity. They have fur ball ones I have been loving lately. A bit o’ joy for the feetsies.
Compulsory Sports Thingamabob
Minor League Baseball. If you’re not, you should. If you won’t, boo you whore.
Beauty Bomb
I have recently become a Drug Store (please read: Target) beauty girl. After years of being a Sephora elitist, TikTok has wooed me.
This shit is the way, the truth, and the light. I’ve been using the body version for years, but the face version is THE TITS. No more $50 moisturizers for me for a minute.
Easy, cheap, deeply moisturizing (because I feel like my skin has aged 5 years in one -_-)